A Lesson from a Little Boy and a Big Tornado

I smiled as I listened to the little boy, an Oklahoma tornado survivor, give an account of the reunion with his dad, after the devastation, during a radio interview.

“I saw you [his father] and I just jumped, because I knew you’d catch me,” he said.

He jumped because he knew.

He jumped because he trusted.

What a beautiful image, after such a devastating tragedy—a son jumping into his daddy’s arms with abandon, without a second thought.

I love that!

And then I imagined—a different child, a boy or a girl—after a different kind of devastation saying,

“I saw you and I just told, because I knew you’d listen to me, believe me, and take action.”

The child tells because he knows.

The child tells because she trusts.

And then I smiled as I thought, If adults would begin the conversation, regarding sexual abuse, with the kids they love, more children could live life without a devastating secret.

I love that!

Image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalImages.net

When we teach our kids about sexual abuse, we build a trusting relationship with them. It’s summertime. Time to relax. But don’t relax until you’ve talked with your kids. Begin the conversation. Build the bridge. Break the silence. RiseAndShineMovement.org

A Little Man, a Yellow Bus, and a BIG Attitude

Ben was only five years old and three foot nothing. But on this day, he had the confidence of a six-foot-three, two hundred pound male.

He stood next to his four year old little sister, Anna, by the front door. We watched her bus pull up to the curb. I opened the door to let Anna walk out and Ben slipped right out with her. “Ben, where are you going?” I asked.

With one hand on his hip and the other around Anna’s shoulder, he said, “I’m walking her to the bus. No one’s gonna pick on my sister!”

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It was one of those Moma-proud moments.

My heart was already weary for Anna’s future. Starting her in home speech therapy at age two and now sending her out to a therapeutic nursery school was more than I was ready for. To make matters worse, that BIG little yellow school bus just seemed to swallow her up each morning and spit her out each afternoon. And when she had come home in tears the day before and had told me in broken sentences that someone had teased her, I was done. So done! My Moma heart hurt.

But I never noticed Ben had taken it all in. He had remembered Anna’s tears from the day before and when that BIG little yellow school bus pulled up, he was ready.

I continued to watch in amazement from the door. He marched his attitude and his sister safely up to the bus door and said, “Bye.” Then he stared at the bus, hands on his hips, as it drove away. His mission accomplished.

I don’t know if Ben’s presence made an impression on the teaser on the bus, but I do know the teasing stopped.

I also knew that I wasn’t the only one who was concerned about protecting Anna. She had a BIG older brother who would be watching out for her too. And my Moma heart danced.

This weeks prevention tip:

It’s a lonely place, attempting to protect our kids by ourselves. But we don’t have to do it alone. When we speak about sexual abuse to those around us, we break the silence and draft others on our team. Because the more we speak about it, the more others know about it. And when we work together, we protect our kids better.

And the Winners Are . . .

We are pleased to announce the winners of our, first-ever, Rise and Shine Movement contest.
Drum roll, pahlease!

 

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS/freedigitalimages.net

Our first place winner is Verna Bowman. Verna, you win an autographed copy of Rise and Shine: A Tool for the Prevention of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Congratulations!

Our second place winner is Jennifer Willard Kurtgis. Jennifer, you win the beautiful bracelet and earrings compliments of Kate Cook of S&KAwareness Jewelry. Congratulations!

Thank you to all who made our first contest so successful. But more importantly, thank you to all of you, who raised their voices and raised awareness during Childhood Sexual Abuse Awareness Month.

When we speak about sexual abuse,

we lessen its power

 over children and survivors.

We will not shut up. We will not be silenced. Together we make a difference.

*Verna and Jennifer, please contact me at Carolyn@RiseAndShineMovement.org with your addresses. Thank you.

Your Fifth Chance to Protect Children and Win a Prize (Poster #5)

Remember, I want you to be free to be everything you were created to be.

Sexual abuse damages a child’s heart, mind, and soul. It takes away a child’s voice, their ability to trust, their sense of worthiness, their freedom to become all they were created to be.

We take many actions to protect our children from harm, car seats, safety latches, bike helmets, etc… And actions often speak louder than words. But we can never go wrong adding words to our actions. “Remember, I want you to be free to be everything you were created to be” are precious words our children (no matter their age) need to hear. They help you build a strong, sturdy bridge of communication with your kids when you speak with them about sexual abuse. Speak them often, so your children’s hearts can hear the whisper.

This week's poster

Please see contest rules and help us protect kids by sharing our poster/s on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/RiseAndShineMovement), Twitter(https://twitter.com/RiseNShineMove), and Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/RiseNShineMove).

 When we work together, 

we can protect more children.

Thank YOU!!!

Your Fourth Chance to Protect Children and Win a Prize (Poster #4)

Remember, No Matter What, We Will Always Love You.

We take many actions to protect our children from harm, car seats, safety latches, bike helmets, etc… And actions often speak louder than words. But we can never go wrong adding words to our actions. “Remember, no matter what, we will always love you,” are precious words our children (no matter their age) need to hear. They help you build a strong, sturdy bridge of communication with your kids when you speak with them about sexual abuse. Speak them often, so your children’s hearts can hear the whisper.

This week's poster

Please see contest rules and help us protect kids by sharing our poster/s on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/RiseAndShineMovement), Twitter(https://twitter.com/RiseNShineMove), and Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/RiseNShineMove).

 When we work together, 

we can protect more children.

Thank YOU!!!

Your Third Chance to Protect Children and Win a Prize (Poster #3)

Remember, you can tell me anything. 

We take many actions to protect our children from harm, car seats, safety latches, bike helmets, etc… And actions often speak louder than words. But we can never go wrong adding words to our actions. “Remember, you can tell me anything,” are precious words our children (no matter their age) need to hear. They help you build a strong, sturdy bridge of communication with your kids when you speak with them about sexual abuse. Speak them often, so your children’s hearts can hear the whisper.

and/or

Please see contest rules and help us protect kids by sharing our poster/s on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/RiseAndShineMovement), Twitter (https://twitter.com/RiseNShineMove), and Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/RiseNShineMove).

 When we work together, 

we can protect more children.

Thank YOU!!!

Your Second Chance to Protect Children and Win a Prize (Poster # Two)

We take many actions to protect our children from harm, car seats, safety latches, bike helmets, etc… And actions often speak louder than words. But we can never go wrong adding words to our actions.

Remember, I am here to protect you

are precious words our children need to hear. They help us build a strong, sturdy bridge of communication with our children when we speak to them about sexual abuse. We must speak them often, so our children’s hearts can hear the whisper.

This Week’s Poster for Our Contest

Please see contest rules and help us protect kids by sharing our poster on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

 When we work together, we can protect more children.

Thank YOU!!!

The Best Laid Plans of Dogs and Mommas

I had to cancel a lunch date with a heart friend today. (Heart friends are friends you can open your soul to, they see the yuck and still love you.) We were headed to one of our favorite spots—Sweet Memories in Emmaus, Pa. It’s a tea room with a whole lot of whimsy and the best coconut cake ever. Don’t like coconut? Sorry. When you can’t eat chocolate, you develop passions for other sweets. Hey, a girl’s gotta have a vice doesn't she? But I digress.

Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/freedigital images.net

Anyhow, this special pal takes off work almost every year to give me the best Christmas present ever—herself, Sweet Memories, and a little thrift store shopping. I’m as passionate about our girlfriend date as a dog digging up his favorite bone. Nothing will come between me and our special day. But today I had to cancel. Why? 

A sick kid.

Sick kids can change even the best laid plans. And believe me, seven kids and nearly twenty-six years of baring the title, “Momma,” have led to many of my best laid plans stamped “Mission Aborted.” And can I be honest with you? Could you be my heart friend for a minute? Sometimes I've handled the shift in my plans with grace and well, sometimes I've handled them not so gracefully. I’m not going to divulge the details; I don’t want to lose your friendship. Just know that my face without grace ain't pretty, girlfriend.  

But today, I chose grace. I’m not sure why exactly. Perhaps it was because when I told my husband last night about my impending mission to abort, he felt sad with me. He understands the sacrifice we've made, laying down our nearly empty nest in the decision to parent three more kids. No judgment on his part. Sweet grace.

Or perhaps it was the grace granted by my heart friend when I called her to abort the mission. We have years of friendship recorded in our history books. She knows I would be with her if I could and that children get sick. Grace. We felt sad together for a moment, but then searched our calendars for another date.

Image courtesy of John Kasawa/freedigitalimages.net

So I put on my grace face today. I don’t know if I’d call it pretty, pretty sounds cheap pared with a word like grace. But I do know this, to my sick child—it’s beautiful!

And my coconut cake? I’m sure it will taste just as good in a month or two. Today I’m savoring something greater, something lasting. Because sometimes a girl can have her grace and share it too.

Children given grace feel safe and secure. And they are more likely to tell us when something doesn't feel right or they've experienced something inappropriate. We need to strive to be heart parents.

What Do We Have to Lose?

I remember the giggles and the gasps shared quietly on the playground. I remember our conclusion as to how babies are made. It was creative, straight from my best friend and my fourth grade imaginations. But we were dead wrong. Not even close. According to our fourth grade wisdom, baby-making involved candle wax and fathers with the skills of master sculptures. I'll just leave it at that.

Image courtesy of Phaitoon/FreeDigitialPhotos.net

I’m not sure if either of us truly believed our deduction or for how long. We were two nine year olds with a question and no answer. So we did what children do, we created one.

Children are going to discuss issues of sexuality whether we give them accurate information or not. Pedophiles know that children without accurate information find it difficult to tell when they are violated.

What do we have to lose by giving children the information they seek? What do we have to lose by protecting our kids from those who seek to take away their innocence? I can’t think of anything. Can you?

Hope

Hope.

It keeps us going.

It breaks into the cold of a long winter day and brushes up against us with the warmth of spring.

It refreshes. Restores. Heals.

When I think of Erin Merryn, and her brave fight to protect children, I have hope.


Listen to hope here.


Thank you, Erin!

A Parable about Potty-parts (Part 2)

*The following is the continuation of a fictional story I told you last week that is based on a true life possibility. You were the momma or the poppa in the story. Oh, and remember, you have a daughter named Krista, age 5.

Last week on Tamar’s Redemption:  Krista told you while displaying a mouth-full of chicken nuggets that Brady touched her “potty parts”. In addition she’s revealed that Brady is a big kid and he touched her during recess. Before you could process what she was saying, she told you that her friend Gaby is getting a dog and she wants one.

I gave you a test to see how you should respond to Krista. You were wise. Smart. You chose answer D regarding how to respond to Krista’s disclosure.

 D. You say, “Krista, I’m glad Gaby is getting a dog. We can talk about dogs later. Thank you for telling me about Brady and that he touched you at recess. It’s always good to tell me about things that bother you. Right now, I’d like you to tell me a little bit more about it.” You calmly ask open-ended questions like: “Where were you during recess when this happened? Who was there? And then what happened? And then?

Our story continues.

“Can you tell me how old Brady is?” You ask.

“I don’t know, but he’s in fifth grade.”

“Where were you playing at recess?”

“Near the swing set.” She stops eating her nuggets. “With Julia and Katie. But Brady said he wanted to play a game.” She looks down at her feet.

“It’s okay, Krista. You can tell me. What happened next?”

“Brady said the game would be fun, but we could only play it down over the hill.” She stares over your shoulder.

“Then what happened?”

“He told me to come with him, that I could go first.”

You gently wipe a crumb of nugget breading from her cheek. “Then what happened.”

“I went. I . . . I didn’t like the game.”

“Tell me about the game, honey.” 

“Brady told me that I couldn’t or he would tell everyone that I like him and  . . .”

You tuck a loose piece of hair behind her ear. “And what?”

“He said he would tell everyone that I touched him.”

“It’s okay. Remember, you can tell me anything. I won’t be mad. What happened next?”

***

I’m going to end the version with the open-ended questions here.

But what if you hadn’t asked open-ended questions? Your conversation may go something like this.

                                                                    ***

 “Krista, we’ll talk about dogs later,” you say. “How old is Billy?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is he in fifth or sixth grade?”

“Fifth, I think, maybe sixth? I’m not sure.”

“Were you playing with your friends or just Brady?”

She stops eating her nuggets. “With Julia, Katie, and Brady.”

“Well, what were you playing, some kinda touching game or something?”

“No, yes, no. I mean . . . we were playing on the swings and then down over the hill. I don’t like Brady. He makes me mad.”

“Where did he did he touch you, on the front of your bottom or the back?”

“I told you. On my potty-parts.”

                                                                 ***

Image curtesty of David Castillo Dominici

Leading questions can confuse children. They want to give the correct answer, but when you give them choices they feel they must choose one of your answers. However, these answers may not be the correct answers at all. Keep your questions open-ended, and when you have enough information to know that something questionable happened, contact the authorities. Trained forensic investigators understand how to gently find out what really happened to your child and if further investigation is needed.

Teaching our children the proper names for their private parts helps them communicate clearly. When we listen, ask open-ended questions, and don’t jump to conclusions, we find the truth.

A Parable about Potty-Parts

* The following is a fictional account based on a true life possibility. You are the main character. You can be a momma or poppa. You decide. The story takes place in real time. Oh, and you have a daughter, Krista. She’s five.

“Brady touched my potty-part!” Krista blurts out along with some juices and fragments of her chicken nugget.

“What?"  You swallow your coffee with enough air to choke a horse. "What did you say?” You cough.  Sputter. Your eyes water. “Who touched you?”

“Brady,” she says, slurping her milk through the straw poking through the gap from her missing front teeth.

Image appears courtesy of imagerymajestic/freedigitalphotos.net

“When?” You ask. Your eyes wide. Searching.

“At recess.”

“Who’s Brady?”

“He’s a big kid.”

You grab your napkin. Cough some more. Try to breathe. Demand your bronchioles relax. They refuse. You take another sip of your coffee. Swallow. Breathe.

“Where did you say Brady touched you?” You ask.

“My potty-parts.”

You breathe some more.

“Gaby’s getting a new dog,” Krista says smiling. “She showed me a picture. He’s so cute!  Can we get a dog?”

You choose what happens next.

A.  You send up a Thank you, God! And give the top ten reasons why you are NOT getting a dog. (Krista eats her nuggets.)

B.  You whip out your cell phone and call Sherri (if you're momma) or Gary (if your poppa),your best friend, whose two kids attend your daughter’s school. “Sherri/Gary, who’s Brady? What grade is he in? What’s his mother like? What's his father like? Good family? Bad family?” And you tell Sherri/Gary what Krista said Brady did. You tell Sherry or Gary to watch her/his kids around Brady. (Krista eats her nuggets.)

C.  You sit there wishing you had taught Krista the proper names for her private parts rather than calling them “potty-parts.” Now you wonder where Brady touched her specifically, but you hate to ask. (Krista eats her nuggets.)

D. You say, “Krista, I’m glad Gaby is getting a dog. We can talk about dogs later. Thank you for telling me about Brady and that he touched you at recess. It’s always good to tell me about things that bother you. Right now, I’d like you to tell me a little bit more about it.” You calmly ask open-ended questions like: “Where were you during recess when this happened? Who was there? And then what happened? And then? (Krista talks to you while she eats her nuggets.)

Oh, you’re a smart momma or poppa! You chose D, didn’t you? Did you stop and hesitate at C though, because you hate using words like penis and vagina? You’ve made up your own names for them. Right? And you were tempted to choose A and B. I know this. You’re human, just like me.

Congratulations. You received an A+. Please join me next week to find out how Krista answered your open-ended questions, and why open-ended questions are so important. 

I Dream a Dream for Our Children

“Children disclose abuse incrementally. They will test you to see if you can handle it [sexual abuse disclosures].” said FBI profiler, Jim Clemente, this week, on the Kate Couric Show.

Test us. Test us to see how we’ll respond. Test us to see if we’ll get upset.

“I asked mom what the website was where she read about people who did bad things to kids.” (Aaron Fisher, Silent No More: Victim 1’s Fight for Justice Against Jerry Sandusky, p49.)

Aaron was testing his mother, giving just a little bit of information, indirectly, to see how she’d respond. Sadly, his mother didn't know enough about sexual abuse at the time. She unknowingly failed the test.

But what if our kids didn't have to test us? What if they knew we could handle it? What if they knew we WOULD handle it?

I dream a dream for our children. I dream of families where parents teach their children what sexual abuse is and what they must do should they encounter it. I dream of parent/child relationships where children don’t have to test us because we've already given them the answers to the test.

Rise and Shine Movement, Copyright 2011

And I dream that, one day, sexual abuse will no longer be an epidemic and more children will be free to dream their dreams.

Do you dream that dream too? Begin the conversation today. Help others begin it too. Need a tool to show you how? Please visit RiseAndShineMovement.org and share our website with those who long to protect their children too.

Why Yes, Virginia, You Can Be Disobedient

I like obedient kids. Don’t you?

Nothing broke the mood of a romantic date with my husband more than a bunch of noisy brats seated at the table next to ours. It happened more than once. We would get a sitter and plan our escape only to be assaulted by someone’s spaghetti drippin’ faced cherubs screechin’ out songs of lamentations.

We left our children at home. Thank you. Very. Much.

Once we planned an overnighter at a local inn known for its relaxing Jacuzzis and romantic visits to faraway places. Just walk through the door and you’re lost in Paree. Oui. Oui. Evening becomes night. And what happens in Paree, stays in Paree. Then suddenly you’re jolted from your dreams at 7 AM by two mattress jumping screamers next door. Their parents decided to take them on the Orient Express. The train derailed. And this momma’s oui, ouis  bolted right out of Ol’ Paree.

We left our seven, count them, seven children at HOME! Thank you, oh, so, VERY MUCH!!!

My husband and I have gotten grayer, wiser and perhaps, more senile through the years. We choose to laugh at situations like this now. It’s just easier on our blood pressure and a kinder approach to mankind.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Kids will be kids. Parents will be parents. And quite frankly, I've grown fond of disobedient kids. I hope my kids give birth to or adopt a whole gaggle of them.

I want grandkids who test the waters with their tiny big toes just to see how far they can stick them in without getting hurt, who question whether the sky is really blue or if it is just the way our eyes perceive it, and grandkids who trust their parents for unconditional love, gentle guidance, and thoughtful answers to their unending questions.

I also want grandkids who know that there are just sometimes that it is totally okay to be disobedient to an authority, whether that be an older child or an adult. I want them to know with certainty that no one is allowed to touch them where their swimsuit covers, and that they are not allowed to touch anyone else where their swimsuit covers.  I want them to believe in their hearts and understand with their minds that it’s right to say—no, yell, “OH NO, I WON"T!” And run.

I also hope those worn-out children of mine, drop those mischievous little grand kids off at my house, just so they can have a date—without their kids. ;)

Teaching our children to be obedient is good. Very good. But teaching them that sometimes they must be disobedient is even better.

Words We Wish We'd Said (Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too, Part 3)

“They teach that [sex education] in school. That’s their job. I don’t have to do it.” I could see the relief on my friend’s face as she spoke these words and could hear the “Whew, thank God that’s not my job” sighing between each sentence. She was relieved, free from that dreadful responsibility.

We were seated in a large group of women just as a meeting was beginning to start. She spoke her words loudly for all to hear. I remained mum on the subject. I didn't want to challenge her thinking, even though my gut was gurgling up so many come-backs I thought I might erupt. And it was clear that blissfully ignorant was where she wanted to remain. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer and mess with her bliss. No sir, no bliss-messing for me.

Yet, she was rearing a flock of children and to this day, I remember her words.

Ah, those things we wish we had said. I can’t go back in time now, but if I could  . . .

“Ya know,” I think I would have said, “I think teaching kids about sex is a privilege and a parent’s responsibility. Do you really want to leave that to the school?’

And now, years later and with the knowledge I have about how to protect kids from sexual abuse, I would add, “Plus, teaching kids about healthy sexuality from the cradle helps protect them from sexual abuse. Do you want them to come to you if someone wants to play a secret sexual game with them? How can they tell you if you've never discussed the subject? How can they speak the words if they don’t know the proper names for their reproductive organs, what sex is, and what the definition of improper touch is?”

I’m sure my friend never thought past her own uneasiness with teaching healthy sexuality to think through the ramifications. I honestly believe if she would have known better, she would have done better.

Image Courtesy of Stewart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.com

And that’s another reason why this momma refuses to be mum on this issue. I speaking to help you understand, so you can speak and your children can be protected.

Teaching Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too Part 1, Part 2

C’mon, Give Those Reproductive Organs a Little R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too – Part 2)

“Our children don’t deserve our shame.” That statement erupted out of my mouth at my last speaking engagement. I was shocked. Not because I didn't think I believed that statement, but because it wasn't part of my original presentation. I usually like to examine my words over and over again before I spout them out to my audience. I think my listeners deserve that. But there it was—a big blurp out of my oral cavity. And as we all know, once something comes out of that orifice, we can’t take it back.

My mind went reeling as I continued to present my next points. That’s it. That’s why we don’t use the correct terms when we speak to our kids about their reproductive organs. We’re passing on our shame. Duh!

Now I've had some time to think about it. I've read the experts advice. And I still agree with my blurp. 

We all have our stuff. When we leave the hospital with that helpless, totally dependent creature in our arms, and a freshly packed diaper bag over our shoulder, we still have the invisible heavy backpack on our backs we took to the hospital—the backpack of shame.

I don’t know what your story is. Perhaps you were raised by one, two, or more people that never spoke to you about sex and you found out through friends, pornography, and wherever else you could find it. Shame. Perhaps you were raised in a home where you were told that sex is dirty. Shame. Perhaps you were raised in a home where you were taught that sex before marriage was wrong and if you participated in that whopper of a sin, you are evil, without hope of redemption. Shame. And even more grievous, maybe you experienced the ultimate violation—sexual abuse. SHAME.

Shame renders us mute. So we don’t speak about sex or give our reproductive organs the proper respect they’re due. Our helpless babes are left to navigate this territory without a navigator. “No thoughtfully packed bag containing a GPS for healthy sexuality for you kiddo, momma and poppa have their own backpacks to carry.”

Image courtesy of Photostock/FreeDigitalPhoto.net

So what’s a loving parent like you supposed to do? First of all, choose to empty your backpack. Some of the items in your backpack were packed by others and, yes, some of them were packed by you. But there is healing and forgiveness available. But it is a choice you have to make. Find a good, trust-worthy friend or counselor and start talking. Unpack that backpack.

Secondly, don’t feel shame about your shame. If you haven’t used the proper terms for penis and vagina, start now. No shame in that.

Stand up tall, lighter, without the backpacks, and let’s begin at the beginning. If you have a daughter, she has a V.A.G.I.N.A. If you have a son, he has P.E.N.I.S. When we teach our children self-care, we use the correct terms and give our kids and our reproductive organs the respect they deserve. No made-up names. No silliness. Just a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

When we respect our sexuality, our children will. And when we teach healthy sexuality to our kids, we also help protect them from sexual abuse. Perpetrators look for children who lack knowledge. You CAN begin the conversations. You CAN do it! This not so "Mum Momma" is cheering for you!

And join me next week for Tamar's Redemption Thursdays - Parenting with Purpose, Parenting without Paranoia.

To read Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too, Part 1, The Mum Momma click here.