No! She Didn't Just Write That, Did She? (Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too, Part 4)

“But won’t I take away his innocence? I mean, teaching him about sex, won’t that put ideas into his little head?”

Perhaps you've had this question too. It’s a good one. And in my humble opinion, there’s nothing more precious than a child’s innocence. It’s sacred. It must be protected.

But here’s the thing, it is not knowledge that destroys innocence. It is silence and shame.

Image courtesy of ImageryMajestic/Free DigitalPhotos.com

I've been reading the experts.

Do you know that male fetuses have erections in utero?

I know . . . you just squirmed reading that. Sorry. But hang in here with me.

Take a deep breath now. Here’s another one, it’s not uncommon for both male and female infants to experience sexual arousal during nursing. It’s as natural to their bodies as a hiccup or a burp.

Fast forward a year or two. You find your little one with their hands in their pants. You have a choice to make. Do you freak out, "Stop that! Stop that RIGHT NOW!" Or do you acknowledge their sexuality? “Yep Sammy, that feels good doesn't it? It’s great that our bodies were designed to feel good." Then redirect their attention. "Can you go get that new toy you got for your birthday? Show me how it works.”

One response brings silence and shame, the other knowledge.

Our kids are sexual beings. We are sexual beings.

When we ignore this important part of who they are, of who we are, we are pushing them toward silence and secrets. Their bodies are going to respond to stimuli. Are we going to guide them through it or pretend it doesn't exist?

Won't teaching my child about sex take away his innocence? is a good question. Perhaps the better question is, How do I want my child to approach his sexuality, with knowledge or shame?

Teaching healthy sexuality to our kids not only helps our children understand their bodies and feel validated, it helps protect them from sexual abuse. Predators want children who don’t understand their bodies and who are frightened to talk to their parents about sex and sexual abuse. It is not knowledge that destroys innocence. It is silence and shame.

Books I recommend to help you teach your children healthy sexuality. They help take the hyper out of your ventilation.

Words We Wish We'd Said (Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too, Part 3)

“They teach that [sex education] in school. That’s their job. I don’t have to do it.” I could see the relief on my friend’s face as she spoke these words and could hear the “Whew, thank God that’s not my job” sighing between each sentence. She was relieved, free from that dreadful responsibility.

We were seated in a large group of women just as a meeting was beginning to start. She spoke her words loudly for all to hear. I remained mum on the subject. I didn't want to challenge her thinking, even though my gut was gurgling up so many come-backs I thought I might erupt. And it was clear that blissfully ignorant was where she wanted to remain. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer and mess with her bliss. No sir, no bliss-messing for me.

Yet, she was rearing a flock of children and to this day, I remember her words.

Ah, those things we wish we had said. I can’t go back in time now, but if I could  . . .

“Ya know,” I think I would have said, “I think teaching kids about sex is a privilege and a parent’s responsibility. Do you really want to leave that to the school?’

And now, years later and with the knowledge I have about how to protect kids from sexual abuse, I would add, “Plus, teaching kids about healthy sexuality from the cradle helps protect them from sexual abuse. Do you want them to come to you if someone wants to play a secret sexual game with them? How can they tell you if you've never discussed the subject? How can they speak the words if they don’t know the proper names for their reproductive organs, what sex is, and what the definition of improper touch is?”

I’m sure my friend never thought past her own uneasiness with teaching healthy sexuality to think through the ramifications. I honestly believe if she would have known better, she would have done better.

Image Courtesy of Stewart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.com

And that’s another reason why this momma refuses to be mum on this issue. I speaking to help you understand, so you can speak and your children can be protected.

Teaching Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too Part 1, Part 2

C’mon, Give Those Reproductive Organs a Little R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too – Part 2)

“Our children don’t deserve our shame.” That statement erupted out of my mouth at my last speaking engagement. I was shocked. Not because I didn't think I believed that statement, but because it wasn't part of my original presentation. I usually like to examine my words over and over again before I spout them out to my audience. I think my listeners deserve that. But there it was—a big blurp out of my oral cavity. And as we all know, once something comes out of that orifice, we can’t take it back.

My mind went reeling as I continued to present my next points. That’s it. That’s why we don’t use the correct terms when we speak to our kids about their reproductive organs. We’re passing on our shame. Duh!

Now I've had some time to think about it. I've read the experts advice. And I still agree with my blurp. 

We all have our stuff. When we leave the hospital with that helpless, totally dependent creature in our arms, and a freshly packed diaper bag over our shoulder, we still have the invisible heavy backpack on our backs we took to the hospital—the backpack of shame.

I don’t know what your story is. Perhaps you were raised by one, two, or more people that never spoke to you about sex and you found out through friends, pornography, and wherever else you could find it. Shame. Perhaps you were raised in a home where you were told that sex is dirty. Shame. Perhaps you were raised in a home where you were taught that sex before marriage was wrong and if you participated in that whopper of a sin, you are evil, without hope of redemption. Shame. And even more grievous, maybe you experienced the ultimate violation—sexual abuse. SHAME.

Shame renders us mute. So we don’t speak about sex or give our reproductive organs the proper respect they’re due. Our helpless babes are left to navigate this territory without a navigator. “No thoughtfully packed bag containing a GPS for healthy sexuality for you kiddo, momma and poppa have their own backpacks to carry.”

Image courtesy of Photostock/FreeDigitalPhoto.net

So what’s a loving parent like you supposed to do? First of all, choose to empty your backpack. Some of the items in your backpack were packed by others and, yes, some of them were packed by you. But there is healing and forgiveness available. But it is a choice you have to make. Find a good, trust-worthy friend or counselor and start talking. Unpack that backpack.

Secondly, don’t feel shame about your shame. If you haven’t used the proper terms for penis and vagina, start now. No shame in that.

Stand up tall, lighter, without the backpacks, and let’s begin at the beginning. If you have a daughter, she has a V.A.G.I.N.A. If you have a son, he has P.E.N.I.S. When we teach our children self-care, we use the correct terms and give our kids and our reproductive organs the respect they deserve. No made-up names. No silliness. Just a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

When we respect our sexuality, our children will. And when we teach healthy sexuality to our kids, we also help protect them from sexual abuse. Perpetrators look for children who lack knowledge. You CAN begin the conversations. You CAN do it! This not so "Mum Momma" is cheering for you!

And join me next week for Tamar's Redemption Thursdays - Parenting with Purpose, Parenting without Paranoia.

To read Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too, Part 1, The Mum Momma click here.

The Mum Momma (Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too, Part 1)

We were walking hand in-hand through Wal-Mart somewhere between the women’s section and the men’s department. Suddenly my seven year old yanked on my hand, pulling me in the opposite direction, covering his eyes with his other hand. “Don’t make me see that.”

I looked around. “See what?” I asked. I didn't see anything unusual.  

“That.” He pointed in the direction of the negligees, bras and panties, while keeping his hand over his eyes, continuing to lead me in the other direction.

I honestly can’t remember how I responded, but I do remember feeling sad for him. He was trying to protect his childhood. And the intimate department at Wal-Mart was intruding on his innocence.

Photograhpy by Christy Mae, Used by permission, Copyright 2013

A child’s innocence. Nothing more precious. Nothing more vulnerable. Sacred. Our culture snatches it away far too early. You can’t go to the mall, the grocery store, or even Wal-Mart without encountering sexual images on display.

What’s a parent to do?

We can’t keep them home. We can’t continually block their view. And they won't cover their eyes forever.

How do we engage the culture, but protect them from it?

We teach sexuality. Sorry, I know it’s not the answer you wanted. This momma would prefer to remain mum on the issue too. But the experts tell us silence is the worst thing we can do.

So join me over the next several weeks as I attempt to make this job easier for you. I’ll read the wisdom of experts, and I’ll share little things you can do to teach your children about the birds and the bees. Okay, I’ll stop with the nonsense jargon. We’ll talk about teaching our kids about sex. There, I wrote it. It’s in black and white. No turning back now. We’re diving in, parents.

And here’s a promise. I’ll keep my posts short and practical.

See ya next week on Tamar's Redemption Thursdays: Parenting with Purpose, Parenting without Paranoia.

Teaching our kids about sex not only helps them navigate a sex saturated culture, it helps protect them from sexual abuse.