Protecting the Guilty to Protect the Innocent

“Ya know, it’s funny,” she said. “Everyone knows about my abuse but my parents . . . my husband, my friends, even people at my church.”

It’s sad, but true. Often survivors feel trapped by the circumstances of their abuse, unable to give voice to their biggest secret with the ones whom they’ve known their entire lifetimes—their parents.

There are varied reasons as to why this is true. Often it is because the parents, of the survivor, knew and trusted the perpetrator and left their child under the perpetrater’s care. Children are intuitive. They know if they tell their parents that so and so touched them inappropriately, that this information will hurt their parents. And those child survivors become adult survivors. And adult survivors know this information will hurt their parents.

Children, young and old, protect the guilty to protect the innocent.

And that is one of the reasons why I am so passionate about parents talking to their children about sexual abuse. If we teach our children what sexual abuse is and instruct them to tell us if someone violates them, NO MATTER WHO THE PERSON IS, we build a bridge of communication between us and our children, a bridge that our children can cross should a violation occur.

Because parents should be the protectors, not the protected . . .



Please join me in becoming a protector. Talk to your kids. And if your kids are grown, consider asking them if they were ever violated. It’s never too late to build the bridge, to begin the conversation. It’s never too late to help your child heal.




Image'>http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=584">Image: Chris Sharp / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Shattering the Message Bottled (Part 2)

“Did I have a message taped to my back that said, ‘Please, molest me!’? I’ve been molested more than once, by more than one person.”

Last week I posed this question: How would you respond to a survivor friend who asked the above question?

I wish I could wrap up a neat little answer for you and present it to you in an indestructible box. I can’t.

As I have known and loved over a dozen survivors through the past ten years, who have given me the honor of listening to their stories, I have learned that there are no easy answers. And I’ve learned that compassionate eyes that cry with them are more powerful than any of my words or answers.

But thanks for considering my question.



We help shatter the messages, survivors have bottled up inside them, by listening and by freeing ourselves of the desire to have answers. That’s one way we can love survivors well.



Image'>http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=149">Image: federico stevanin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Shattering the Message Bottled

“Did I have a message taped to my back that said, ‘Please, molest me!’? I’ve been molested more than once, by more than one person.”

I’ve been asked this question by several of my survivor friends and it broke my heart each time. I suspect as my survivor friend list continues to grow, I’ll hear it again. And again.

How would you answer this question?

Please contact me at tamarsredemption@verizon.net with your thoughts and place in the subject line - Answer. I will not post your response without your permission.

Let’s learn how to be good friends to survivors, together.

The Lies Survivors Believe - A Male Perspective (Part 2)

Last week I posted a link to Shattering the Silence, a blog, by Cec Murphey, for male survivors of sexual abuse and those who love them. My blog stats soared. The need is great. Therefore, I would be remiss if I didn't share this week’s follow-up post.


Please read these powerful words. Please allow them to penetrate your heart:


http://menshatteringthesilence.blogspot.com/2011/09/we-belong-by-gary-roe.html





Image'>http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062">Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net