A Summer Rest

Thanks for stopping by. Tamar’s Redemption seeks to bring hope and encouragement to survivors. In order to do this well, we invite you to share your needs with us. We know it’s difficult to hit the comment button. That is why we invite you to share your needs privately at TamarsRedemption@verizon.net. What do you want to hear about? Where do you struggle most in your healing journey? Where do you feel most alone? We will collect your questions and requests all summer and be ready to serve you best in the fall.

Image courtesy of  Pixomar at Freedigitalphoto.net

Until then, please send your questions and comments . . . and rest. Yes, rest. Just be. Feel the grass tickle your toes. Feel the sun warm your face. Listen to the crickets sing their evening songs. And know that the sun will rise again, each and every morning, with the promise of hope and an invitation to rest.

One Parenting Thing I'm Sure of . . . No, Two

She had a half-day of school, so we took a walk. I learned a lot as we walked, she talked, and I listened.

Image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I wish I could tell you when my older children had a half-day that I walked with them and listened too. But I can’t remember any specific walks—true confessions from a mother parenting for the second time around. Some of my children have grown up. So have I.

Now mid-life has given me a few more kids. I am parenting the children of another. I’ve had some time to examine some of my moma failures and successes. And, yes, there are some things I want to change, like time.

There is nothing like time-spent in developing a relationship with someone, to truly know and be known. Relationships take time. Yet life is busy.

Perhaps you have to work from nine to five or from three to eleven, or from eleven to seven. You have to provide. Food and clothing are necessities. I get that. No condemnation here.

But two things I’m convinced of, after nearly twenty-six years of parenting, are that time spent listening to a child is never wasted and that the only way to have a relationship with a child is to spend time.

Prevention Tip of the Week 

Children who are in a relationship with their parents, one where they are known and heard, are less likely to be targeted by a pedophile. Those who chose to violate children like lonely kids. Yes, food and clothing are necessities, but relationships are too. 

It’s Not Over When It’s Over (Part 2)

by Dawn Scott Jones

            Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating traumas a person can experience. A survivor’s life is scarred in ways that go beyond our comprehension. Once abuse is over and the survivor is out of danger, she is left with the devastating aftermath abuse.

Perhaps you’ve seen it.

            You’re in a relationship with a woman who has been wounded by sexual assault. You want to help her, but you’re not sure how.

When sexual abuse happens, it shatters trust and the ability to trust. It destroys feelings of security. Because the abuse is usually done at the hands of someone older or more powerful and against the child’s will, she is left stripped of her boundaries—feeling powerless, vulnerable and fearful. She’s been intimidated—her self-confidence, decimated.  And since a child is too young to place responsibility where it belongs—on the abuser—she blames and belittles herself.

Regardless of the form of abuse suffered, whether a single experience or a lengthy season, the woman experiences a wounding invasion—a molestation of her mind and soul.

Well in adulthood, survivors struggle with:

      •     Shame and guilt

      •     A sense of worthlessness and damaged self-esteem

      •     Fear, anxiety, and panic attacks

      •     Sleep disturbances and eating disorders

      •     Impaired memory and flashbacks

      •     Fear of trust and intimacy

      •     Depression and suicidal thoughts

These plaguing symptoms persist because most survivors try to ignore the abuse committed against them and repress their emotions. Confused and bewildered, survivors often are unequipped to interpret or process the intensity of emotion that’s present: pain, rage, fear, panic, guilt, shame or pleasure. Emotional circuitry is overloaded.

Rather than process the trauma, many abuse victims shut down their feelings and go emotionally numb to mentally survive. Tragically, they grow-up disconnected from their feelings, unable to experience the full spectrum of emotions.

As one survivor put it;

“I’m afraid that if I start to cry I’ll never be able to stop or if I start to “feel” I’ll fall into a black hole and never find my way out.”

Learning to feel, however, is the beginning of healing.

When the dam breaks and emotions are allowed to come, survivors are faced with a decision to walk the healing journey or find other suppressive, unhealthy methods of coping with emotional upheaval.

 If healing is chosen, the process of wholeness will include stages of healing such as:

      1.   Denying the truth

      2.   Deciding to heal

      3.   Surviving crisis

      4.   Remembering

      5.   Choosing to tell

      6.   Releasing responsibility

      7.   Finding the inner child

      8.   Grieving loss

      9.   Expressing anger

      10. Forgiving

      11. Resolving the conflict

Choosing to heal is excruciating at times, but the journey is life-giving.

If you’re a survivor, take the hand of Jesus and trust him as you walk into the light. Remind yourself that you are safe now, and you can start to feel.

If you support a survivor, help her recognize and feel the damage that was done to her. Encourage her to be honest about the pain of her sexual abuse, and to choose wholeness.  Her healing is possible, and with your love and help she can explore the depths of her wounds and begin recovery.

 Dawn

To read more, please read Dawn's book, When a Woman You Love Was Abused. Thank you, Dawn, for sharing your wisdom with us. We are truly blessed and encouraged by you and your work.

A Little Man, a Yellow Bus, and a BIG Attitude

Ben was only five years old and three foot nothing. But on this day, he had the confidence of a six-foot-three, two hundred pound male.

He stood next to his four year old little sister, Anna, by the front door. We watched her bus pull up to the curb. I opened the door to let Anna walk out and Ben slipped right out with her. “Ben, where are you going?” I asked.

With one hand on his hip and the other around Anna’s shoulder, he said, “I’m walking her to the bus. No one’s gonna pick on my sister!”

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It was one of those Moma-proud moments.

My heart was already weary for Anna’s future. Starting her in home speech therapy at age two and now sending her out to a therapeutic nursery school was more than I was ready for. To make matters worse, that BIG little yellow school bus just seemed to swallow her up each morning and spit her out each afternoon. And when she had come home in tears the day before and had told me in broken sentences that someone had teased her, I was done. So done! My Moma heart hurt.

But I never noticed Ben had taken it all in. He had remembered Anna’s tears from the day before and when that BIG little yellow school bus pulled up, he was ready.

I continued to watch in amazement from the door. He marched his attitude and his sister safely up to the bus door and said, “Bye.” Then he stared at the bus, hands on his hips, as it drove away. His mission accomplished.

I don’t know if Ben’s presence made an impression on the teaser on the bus, but I do know the teasing stopped.

I also knew that I wasn’t the only one who was concerned about protecting Anna. She had a BIG older brother who would be watching out for her too. And my Moma heart danced.

This weeks prevention tip:

It’s a lonely place, attempting to protect our kids by ourselves. But we don’t have to do it alone. When we speak about sexual abuse to those around us, we break the silence and draft others on our team. Because the more we speak about it, the more others know about it. And when we work together, we protect our kids better.

And the Winners Are . . .

We are pleased to announce the winners of our, first-ever, Rise and Shine Movement contest.
Drum roll, pahlease!

 

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS/freedigitalimages.net

Our first place winner is Verna Bowman. Verna, you win an autographed copy of Rise and Shine: A Tool for the Prevention of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Congratulations!

Our second place winner is Jennifer Willard Kurtgis. Jennifer, you win the beautiful bracelet and earrings compliments of Kate Cook of S&KAwareness Jewelry. Congratulations!

Thank you to all who made our first contest so successful. But more importantly, thank you to all of you, who raised their voices and raised awareness during Childhood Sexual Abuse Awareness Month.

When we speak about sexual abuse,

we lessen its power

 over children and survivors.

We will not shut up. We will not be silenced. Together we make a difference.

*Verna and Jennifer, please contact me at Carolyn@RiseAndShineMovement.org with your addresses. Thank you.

Your Fourth Chance to Protect Children and Win a Prize (Poster #4)

Remember, No Matter What, We Will Always Love You.

We take many actions to protect our children from harm, car seats, safety latches, bike helmets, etc… And actions often speak louder than words. But we can never go wrong adding words to our actions. “Remember, no matter what, we will always love you,” are precious words our children (no matter their age) need to hear. They help you build a strong, sturdy bridge of communication with your kids when you speak with them about sexual abuse. Speak them often, so your children’s hearts can hear the whisper.

This week's poster

Please see contest rules and help us protect kids by sharing our poster/s on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/RiseAndShineMovement), Twitter(https://twitter.com/RiseNShineMove), and Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/RiseNShineMove).

 When we work together, 

we can protect more children.

Thank YOU!!!

Your Third Chance to Protect Children and Win a Prize (Poster #3)

Remember, you can tell me anything. 

We take many actions to protect our children from harm, car seats, safety latches, bike helmets, etc… And actions often speak louder than words. But we can never go wrong adding words to our actions. “Remember, you can tell me anything,” are precious words our children (no matter their age) need to hear. They help you build a strong, sturdy bridge of communication with your kids when you speak with them about sexual abuse. Speak them often, so your children’s hearts can hear the whisper.

and/or

Please see contest rules and help us protect kids by sharing our poster/s on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/RiseAndShineMovement), Twitter (https://twitter.com/RiseNShineMove), and Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/RiseNShineMove).

 When we work together, 

we can protect more children.

Thank YOU!!!

Your Second Chance to Protect Children and Win a Prize (Poster # Two)

We take many actions to protect our children from harm, car seats, safety latches, bike helmets, etc… And actions often speak louder than words. But we can never go wrong adding words to our actions.

Remember, I am here to protect you

are precious words our children need to hear. They help us build a strong, sturdy bridge of communication with our children when we speak to them about sexual abuse. We must speak them often, so our children’s hearts can hear the whisper.

This Week’s Poster for Our Contest

Please see contest rules and help us protect kids by sharing our poster on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

 When we work together, we can protect more children.

Thank YOU!!!

The Healing Circle

“Will I ever be free from the shame?” she asked.

I wasn't sure how to answer her. I’m not a counselor. So I took a deep breath, prayed for wisdom, and shared from my experience, not as a survivor, but as someone who has tasted pain and needed healing.

Image courtesy of Smarnad/freedigitalphotos.net

“My experience with healing is that it cycles. I go to my place of pain, identify the lie that has been hiding behind the hurt, and I replace the lie with truth. I cheer and celebrate—one more lie I no longer believe. I live my life. Then something happens, a life experience or maybe another hurt, and I find myself back where I thought I’d healed. A new lie or perhaps an old one surfaces. So I go deeper and sometimes see an old lie from a different angle. With each cycle, more healing takes place. Will I ever be completely free from the pain? The shame? I don’t know.”

I wish I could have told her that someday she would have complete freedom from her shame, because I love a happy ever after ending. Who doesn't?  And although I do believe in miracles, I also believe that my process of healing has taught me far more than a miracle ever could. The healing I've received has been worth the work. And my life is better now.

I spoke with a licensed counselor, with years of experience, after this conversation. I asked her if healing cycles. She drew her finger in the air in a series of circles and replied, “Over and over again.”

Your Chance to Protect a Child and Win a Prize

Win an autographed copy of Rise and Shine: A Tool for the Prevention of Childhood Sexual Abuse (1^st Prize) or a beautiful Childhood Abuse Awareness bracelet with earrings (2^nd Prize) in April in recognition of Childhood Sexual Abuse Awareness Month.

How? Share our inspiring poster of the week, featured each Thursday, on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/RiseAndShineMovement), Twitter (https://twitter.com/RiseNShineMove), or Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/RiseNShineMove) with your friends and write in the comment box “I’ve joined the Rise and Shine Movement to protect kids.” Share as often as you can. Each share enters you for a chance to win. Don’t have Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest? Write the above in the comment box on our blog (http://www.tamarsredemption.blogspot.com) and commit to share our blog and/or our website (http://riseandshinemovement.org) via email with at least two friends.

Rules: Sharing begins 6 AM March 28 and ends April 30 midnight. The winners will be chosen at random on May 1 at noon and announced on our blog, Twitter, and FB page. Prizes can be mailed anywhere in the continental US.

                                                                                          

This Week’s Poster

Sexual abuse steals children’s dreams.

When we work together, we help the innocent keep their dreams.

Thank you!

Tired of Being an Onion? Try Being an Artichoke

Today I would like to invite you to click over to Cec Murphey's blog, Men Shattering the Silence. He has a fresh metaphor for healing that isn't smelly like an onion and won't leave you with bad breath. Whether you're healing from sexual abuse or other losses, I think your healing process will enriched by his new take on an old idea.

Image courtesy of africa/freedigitalphotos.net

I Am an Artichoke (click here) 


Let the healing continue. You are worthy of it.

The Next Thing

(Originally posted in 2010)

She had buried two husbands. I thought she had something to say about how to survive through grief, so I listened.

"Do the next thing." She said. "That's what you do. Each day you just do the next thing."

Photo courtesy of anankkml/freedigitalphotos.net 

I thought her advice was too simplistic, almost cold to those hurting in her midst. Yet, who am I to argue with a woman who has buried two husbands when I haven't buried one. I'm not that stupid and hopefully not that arrogant. So I humbly tucked her words of wisdom away, but my attitude toward grief remained.

Grief stinks!

I've smelled enough of it in my life to know I don't ever want to smell it again, but I don't have that option. To live life is to encounter grief. Whether it's death, the loss of a dream, or childhood innocence, grief comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes. It shows up when I least expect it, makes me want to run for cover, push it away, ignore its existence, or do anything but look into its ugly face.

But through the years, I discovered the other side of grief. It's what happens when the tears begin to decrease and joy comes into view. It’s then I realize that grief, although disguised as a villain, isn't the ugly schmuck I've perceived it to be. The stench of grief dissipates and like the air after a spring rain, it beckons me to take another breath.

Grief is a healer.

I don't know what you're grieving today. Maybe nothing and that is good. We need days, months, and years like that. But at some point there will be something, maybe something old, maybe something new that deserves your attention. Don't run from the tears. And while you're crying remember—there will be a tomorrow and an opportunity to do the next thing.

The loss of childhood innocence is a deep loss. It is okay to take the time to grieve it.

A Parable about Potty-parts (Part 2)

*The following is the continuation of a fictional story I told you last week that is based on a true life possibility. You were the momma or the poppa in the story. Oh, and remember, you have a daughter named Krista, age 5.

Last week on Tamar’s Redemption:  Krista told you while displaying a mouth-full of chicken nuggets that Brady touched her “potty parts”. In addition she’s revealed that Brady is a big kid and he touched her during recess. Before you could process what she was saying, she told you that her friend Gaby is getting a dog and she wants one.

I gave you a test to see how you should respond to Krista. You were wise. Smart. You chose answer D regarding how to respond to Krista’s disclosure.

 D. You say, “Krista, I’m glad Gaby is getting a dog. We can talk about dogs later. Thank you for telling me about Brady and that he touched you at recess. It’s always good to tell me about things that bother you. Right now, I’d like you to tell me a little bit more about it.” You calmly ask open-ended questions like: “Where were you during recess when this happened? Who was there? And then what happened? And then?

Our story continues.

“Can you tell me how old Brady is?” You ask.

“I don’t know, but he’s in fifth grade.”

“Where were you playing at recess?”

“Near the swing set.” She stops eating her nuggets. “With Julia and Katie. But Brady said he wanted to play a game.” She looks down at her feet.

“It’s okay, Krista. You can tell me. What happened next?”

“Brady said the game would be fun, but we could only play it down over the hill.” She stares over your shoulder.

“Then what happened?”

“He told me to come with him, that I could go first.”

You gently wipe a crumb of nugget breading from her cheek. “Then what happened.”

“I went. I . . . I didn’t like the game.”

“Tell me about the game, honey.” 

“Brady told me that I couldn’t or he would tell everyone that I like him and  . . .”

You tuck a loose piece of hair behind her ear. “And what?”

“He said he would tell everyone that I touched him.”

“It’s okay. Remember, you can tell me anything. I won’t be mad. What happened next?”

***

I’m going to end the version with the open-ended questions here.

But what if you hadn’t asked open-ended questions? Your conversation may go something like this.

                                                                    ***

 “Krista, we’ll talk about dogs later,” you say. “How old is Billy?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is he in fifth or sixth grade?”

“Fifth, I think, maybe sixth? I’m not sure.”

“Were you playing with your friends or just Brady?”

She stops eating her nuggets. “With Julia, Katie, and Brady.”

“Well, what were you playing, some kinda touching game or something?”

“No, yes, no. I mean . . . we were playing on the swings and then down over the hill. I don’t like Brady. He makes me mad.”

“Where did he did he touch you, on the front of your bottom or the back?”

“I told you. On my potty-parts.”

                                                                 ***

Image curtesty of David Castillo Dominici

Leading questions can confuse children. They want to give the correct answer, but when you give them choices they feel they must choose one of your answers. However, these answers may not be the correct answers at all. Keep your questions open-ended, and when you have enough information to know that something questionable happened, contact the authorities. Trained forensic investigators understand how to gently find out what really happened to your child and if further investigation is needed.

Teaching our children the proper names for their private parts helps them communicate clearly. When we listen, ask open-ended questions, and don’t jump to conclusions, we find the truth.

Little Did I Know

I glanced at the caller ID. Oh, them again. I was in the middle of writing a book review, and I wanted to get it done an hour ago.

Image courtesy of worradmu/freedigitalphotos.net

Another organization asking for money, this one had called just a few days ago. I had ignored that call. But my husband’s reasoning took over. I don’t know why you just don’t deal with those calls when they come. You know they’re going to call back. If he’d said it once, he’d said a million . . . Well okay, not a million. But you get the idea.

I gave a curt, “Hello.”

The usual speal. “Rah, rah, sis-boom, bah!” 

Blah, blah, blah . . . 

I wanted to cut to the chase.

“I see you’re a writer,” he said. “What do you write about?”

Smart move. Ask about me. I warmed. A little.

“I write about protecting children from sexual abuse. I try to get parents and adults to build a bridge of communication about this issue with kids.”

Little did I know, I had just built a bridge. He began to share how sexual abuse affected his life and his family. He talked. I listened. I sprinkled in words to reflect that I was listening. He talked some more. I listened some more. He talked.

I’m sure the call was far longer than he intended. And I no longer cared about my writing.

“Ya know, I almost didn’t pick up the phone,” I said. “I’m so glad I did.”

“Yeah, I’m glad too.”

When we speak about sexual abuse, we drag it out into the light. We open doors for survivors to speak. Tell a friend over lunch that you’re really concerned about the epidemic of childhood sexual abuse and tell them about the Rise and Shine Movement. And be prepared to listen. And listen some more. 

I Dream a Dream for Our Children

“Children disclose abuse incrementally. They will test you to see if you can handle it [sexual abuse disclosures].” said FBI profiler, Jim Clemente, this week, on the Kate Couric Show.

Test us. Test us to see how we’ll respond. Test us to see if we’ll get upset.

“I asked mom what the website was where she read about people who did bad things to kids.” (Aaron Fisher, Silent No More: Victim 1’s Fight for Justice Against Jerry Sandusky, p49.)

Aaron was testing his mother, giving just a little bit of information, indirectly, to see how she’d respond. Sadly, his mother didn't know enough about sexual abuse at the time. She unknowingly failed the test.

But what if our kids didn't have to test us? What if they knew we could handle it? What if they knew we WOULD handle it?

I dream a dream for our children. I dream of families where parents teach their children what sexual abuse is and what they must do should they encounter it. I dream of parent/child relationships where children don’t have to test us because we've already given them the answers to the test.

Rise and Shine Movement, Copyright 2011

And I dream that, one day, sexual abuse will no longer be an epidemic and more children will be free to dream their dreams.

Do you dream that dream too? Begin the conversation today. Help others begin it too. Need a tool to show you how? Please visit RiseAndShineMovement.org and share our website with those who long to protect their children too.

What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do

If you’re alive and breathing, chances are, you know a survivor of childhood sexual abuse—even if you don’t know it.  Next time you’re in a crowd start counting off the females. One, two, three, FOUR. Then count off the males. One, two, three, four, five, SIX. You’ll get the visual on the statistics, the statistics based on reported cases of sexual abuse. Then remember, it is estimated that only 1 in 10 survivors ever tell. Startling. I know.

Why don’t survivors tell? A myriad of reasons, ranging from undeserved disgrace inflicted by their abuser to an undue burden to protect others from their pain, can keep their mouths wired shut. Tight.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigiitalImages.net

I received an email recently from a woman who was concerned about a fellow sister in pain. I can’t give you the details, but it was clear from the message that this young woman was/is in significant pain.

Why the tears? Abuse survivor?  Maybe.

What to do? How to help? All good questions. Beautiful questions.

Helping others with their burdens. This is good. Very good. 

I shared some advice based on my years of loving on survivors.

The woman messaged me back. “ You've just written your next blog post.”

So in case you’re ever in a situation, and I pray you are (this world needs more survivor lovers), where you don’t know what to do, I humbly share my response.

I assume you're asking me about this because of my work with sexual abuse survivors. Could she be one? Just based on statistics, yes. Is it common for survivors to be distant/have walls? Yes.

I love that you're trying to reach out to her. That's beautiful! My heart weeps for this woman, and I've never met her. I can only tell you what I would do if I believed Jesus wanted me to reach out to her.

 I would choose a time where we could be alone, invite her to lunch or something. I would be very vulnerable regarding my own struggles. Survivors must know you're human and understand pain, and they will only disclose under safe conditions where they know the conversation won't go beyond you. I would be a bit more direct in telling her that I'm concerned about her. "I've seen your tears, and I want you to know I care. If you need to talk, I'm here."

Then it is important to pursue them by spending time with them. They won't pursue you unless they are at a breaking point. They will test your "safety level", whether you’re someone who can handle their disclosure, at every turn. I once had a survivor say to me, "I keep trying to say things that will make you fall off your chair. You just won't budge." She had much to disclose. And although it was heavy, it was an honor to help her carry her burden.

This woman obviously has a story to tell. There are probably very few, if any, who know what that is. I will pray she can tell it.

A story to tell. There are 42 million adult survivors of sexual abuse in the US.  I pray we will stay on our chairs, be slow to speak and quick to listen. And listen. And listen.

No! She Didn't Just Write That, Did She? (Teaching Our Kids about Sex While Protecting Them Too, Part 4)

“But won’t I take away his innocence? I mean, teaching him about sex, won’t that put ideas into his little head?”

Perhaps you've had this question too. It’s a good one. And in my humble opinion, there’s nothing more precious than a child’s innocence. It’s sacred. It must be protected.

But here’s the thing, it is not knowledge that destroys innocence. It is silence and shame.

Image courtesy of ImageryMajestic/Free DigitalPhotos.com

I've been reading the experts.

Do you know that male fetuses have erections in utero?

I know . . . you just squirmed reading that. Sorry. But hang in here with me.

Take a deep breath now. Here’s another one, it’s not uncommon for both male and female infants to experience sexual arousal during nursing. It’s as natural to their bodies as a hiccup or a burp.

Fast forward a year or two. You find your little one with their hands in their pants. You have a choice to make. Do you freak out, "Stop that! Stop that RIGHT NOW!" Or do you acknowledge their sexuality? “Yep Sammy, that feels good doesn't it? It’s great that our bodies were designed to feel good." Then redirect their attention. "Can you go get that new toy you got for your birthday? Show me how it works.”

One response brings silence and shame, the other knowledge.

Our kids are sexual beings. We are sexual beings.

When we ignore this important part of who they are, of who we are, we are pushing them toward silence and secrets. Their bodies are going to respond to stimuli. Are we going to guide them through it or pretend it doesn't exist?

Won't teaching my child about sex take away his innocence? is a good question. Perhaps the better question is, How do I want my child to approach his sexuality, with knowledge or shame?

Teaching healthy sexuality to our kids not only helps our children understand their bodies and feel validated, it helps protect them from sexual abuse. Predators want children who don’t understand their bodies and who are frightened to talk to their parents about sex and sexual abuse. It is not knowledge that destroys innocence. It is silence and shame.

Books I recommend to help you teach your children healthy sexuality. They help take the hyper out of your ventilation.

The Mountain of Fairytales (Spouses Caught in the Ripple, Part 5)

She thought one day her prince would come. He did. But he didn’t.

Copyright 2012 Rise and Shine Movement

A survivor wife shares:

One thing I have known for a long time.  I wanted him [my husband] to be my hero and savior.  I wished he would compensate for my areas of fear and insecurity.  I wanted the guy from the movies who is never afraid of anything, and was always there to make sure I was okay.  Or that's what I thought I wanted, anyway.  I know now that sometimes what you need is not what you want.  I still struggle at times with that feeling of wanting to be rescued, and not have to do the hard work.

There is a reason little girls dream of a prince. Disney knows that; they’ve made billions selling it. But do we?

A prince will give us value, turn our mountain of unworthiness into gold. He will turn our rags into ball gowns, our nightmares into a fairy tales. He will know what we need before we ever ask. Because the prince always “gets” the princess. He understands the healing words she longs to hear. He gives her story a happily-ever-after ending.

I’ve wished that for all of my survivor friends. They, of all people, deserve the prince—someone who turns hellish nightmares to heavenly realities. But wish I may, wish I might, may I have the wish I wish tonight? No. Because that’s Disney, not reality.

So what’s a survivor princess to do?

As my survivor friend admits so freely, “I still struggle at times with that feeling of wanting to be rescued, and not have to do the hard work.”

Hard work or rescue? Given a choice we would all choose rescue, not hard work. But rescue is not a choice. It never will be. Because as Dorothy says, “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

I’m so thankful my survivor friend has chosen the hard work. I know her. I know her husband. There is so much beauty in watching them climb the mountains sexual abuse has created. And although the view for them is sometimes ugly, if you asked them, they would say that it’s been worth the climb. And every now and then, they get a glimpse of beauty that can only be described as miraculous.

And that’s why they’re sharing their story. To help you climb. Because far too many survivor princesses leave one prince to find another. And in searching for the fairy tale, they’re missing the view of a lifetime.

Please join us next week. We’ll take a rest from our climb. We’ll stop, take a breath, and learn practical things husbands can do to help their survivor wives thrive. 


Spouses Caught in the Ripple (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4)