It's never too late to begin the healing process from childhood sexual abuse. It's never too early to fall in love with the person God created you to be. Long ago someone made a choice to take away your innocence, but today that someone can't touch your freedom to heal.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

When We Trash-talk the Perpetrator, We May Silence a Survivor

Hang him! Monster! Pervert! Sick, sick, sick man!

I’ve listened to the comments all week. I’ve even been tempted to utter them myself.

Okay, I’ll admit it. . . I have uttered some of them.

But I pray, I’ve uttered them in private—away from my children—away from my survivor friends.

Why? Because ninety percent of adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse were violated by someone they knew, trusted, and loved. Ninety percent of children who are violated are molested by someone they know, trust and love.

It’s complicated. Hard to understand. But when we trash-talk perpetrators, we run the risk of hurting survivors and silencing children who have been violated.

“How is your client doing?” the reporter asked.

“He feels vindicated, but this was difficult for him,” the attorney responded. “He had to look the man in the face who was his surrogate father and tell the world what this man did to him.”

This attorney did his homework. He understood the delicate fears, emotions, and compassionate heart of his survivor client.

Is it possible that a victim can love and care for their perpetrator? Yes, it is.

When we let our emotions run from our mouth, unleashed, for all to hear, we may hurt the survivors in our presence. We may keep a child near us—who has been violated—silent.

You see, all the survivors I know are compassionate people and most of them were violated by someone they loved. And children, precious, precious children, are the most forgiving creatures that walk the earth.

Both adult survivors and child survivors know that if they tell, people around them will get hurt. So they keep their mouths shut to protect both the perpetrator and those who also love the perpetrator.

Let’s let survivors utter words of hatred and anger toward those who violated them and guard our tongues. We may be hurting those who have already been traumatized and we may be causing a child to keep silent.

We best love adult survivors and help child victims break their silence when we offer healing words and leave the harsh words to those who have the right to say them.


  1. Sorry, I was molested, violated by my biological father and I would NEVER, Ever do to a child what was done to me! I am a survivor and I am speaking! There is NO excuse for the violator's behavior! If anything, they should be more sensitive to such things! So, no! They should be held accountable for their actions!

    1. I'm so thankful you are speaking out. In no way am I saying that those who violate should not be held accountable. I think they should be given EVERY conviction they deserve and they have NO excuse. I couldn't agree with you more. But I have friends, violated by grandfathers and dads who loved/love their abusers. And as a mother and former teacher, I know how children think. If they hear us speaking in harsh words toward abusers and they sit there having been violated by someone they love, they may be less likely to tell. And that would be tragic.

    2. Also, I want to thank you for your comment. I realized after reading your words that my former title began with "When We Hang the Perpetrator . . ." If you only read that far, I can see how misleading my title may have been. Bad title on my part. And again, I agree with you.

  2. Thanks for sharing a different side :)

    1. You're very welcome. Finding balance usually leads us to a better approach. And listening to the hearts of survivors and remembering to think as children think, can only help us fight this battle more intelligently.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...