Talk About It, Talk About It, Talk About It.

Copyright 2012 Rise and Shine Movement

It's that time of year again. Back to school. A return to schedules.

School supplies purchased. First day outfits chosen.

But in all the hustle and bustle, don't forget to talk to your kids about inappropriate sexual behavior/sexual abuse.

Begin the conversation. Build the bridge. Be the hero.

RiseAndShineMovement.org


Our kids can't tell, if we can't talk about it.

Why Children Don’t Tell About Sexual Abuse (Part 6: They Protect)

Children of abuse (physical, emotional, and or sexual) amaze me. They spend their childhood freely giving unconditional love, often to spend their adulthood recklessly seeking it.

And so it was with my survivor friend who wrote The Tearless Princess, a creative exercise used to assist in her healing. Please read the following paragraph describing her molestation, posted this week, in its entirety.

Copyright 2012 RiseAndShineMovement.org

“Then one day, Princess Marissa was on her way back to the castle when she was attached by a pack of gypsies. They tore her beautiful purple dress right off her and ran away, leaving her with nothing to cover herself. Princess Marissa was so upset, but she did not shed a tear. She was so ashamed and embarrassed, but she told no one . . . especially her father the king. She knew if she did, he would have all the gypsies in the kingdom killed.”

Children are protectors. Dr.Wess Stafford, president of and CEO. of Compassion International, writes in his book, Too Small to Ignore: Why the Least of These Matters Most, “Child psychologists study this phenomenon with great amazement, as it has occurred throughout history. They have found that children can keep awful, awful secrets to protect the ones they love.” (Page 141) Stafford knows this well. A survivor of horrible abuse at the hands of house parents and teachers at a mission school, he and many other missionary kids, kept silent of their abuse—for years.

Princess Marissa knew, if she told, her daddy, the king, he would be upset and the kingdom would be in chaos. And because her abuser was somebody who her family knew, trusted, and loved, she chose to protect everyone, except herself.

She concludes her paragraph with this line: “The princess went on with her life as if nothing had happened, but a piece of her soft heart became hard like stone.”

She protected others and in the process lost the sweet softness of her child heart; she spent years, as an adult, trying to find it and make it soft again.

And that is why it is an adult’s job to protect children from childhood sexual abuse.

We must teach our children about childhood sexual abuse. So we can protect. So they can know. So they can tell.

Why Children Don't Tell About Sexual Abuse (Part 5: They're Ashamed)

Copyright 2012 RiseAndShineMovement.org

“Then one day Princess Marissa was on her way back to the castle when she was attacked by a pack of gypsies. They tore her beautiful purple dress right off her and ran away, leaving her with nothing to cover herself. Princess Marissa was so upset, but she did not shed a tear. She was so ashamed and embarrassed, but she told no one . . . (The Tearless Princess, by Anonymous, used by permission).

The words taken from this story were written by an adult survivor friend to describe her molestation. This creative exercise was a powerful tool that has aided her in her healing process. She chose to express her pain in the language of a children’s book. It helped her remember. It gave her a voice.

Nothing can silence a human being like shame. Nothing can elicit such deep personal humiliation like childhood sexual abuse.

My friend concludes this paragraph in her story with these sad words, “The princess went on with her life as if nothing had happened, but a piece of her soft heart became hard like stone.”

So this week, I once again have my “what if” questions: What if her parents had taught her about sexual abuse? What if they had built a bridge of communication with their daughter regarding abuse so that she could possibly cross over and tell them what had happened? What if she had known that she could trust them with her shame?

Once again we will never know the answers to my questions. Sexual abuse is a complicated issue. But wouldn’t it be comforting, to know as parents, that at least we tried?

Let’s begin the conversation about childhood sexual abuse with our children. So they will know. So they can tell.

Why Children Don't Tell About Sexual Abuse (Part 4: They Trust)

I can still picture it, my husband in the backseat of our two-door Oldsmobile Firenza, cradling our newborn son. We had just returned home from the hospital and my husband had crawled in the backseat of the car to get our son out of his car seat. I was waiting patiently, well, okay, not so patiently by the passenger side door.

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“Are you coming?” I said.

Silence

“Are you coming in?” I repeated.

He didn’t even look up. “We’ll be in soon,” he said.

I was so glad to be home. I wanted my own bed. I wanted my own everything. But my mind told me to shut up, to take in this moment, to etch this beautiful picture deep within my mind.

My husband with his firstborn. Strong capable hands holding a helpless baby. Our baby. I didn’t ask Ken what he was thinking. I didn’t have to. It was a sacred moment. It was their moment, and this sight spoke more to me than words ever could. The love was palpable. And my baby, our baby, was learning from that tender moment on, that he could trust his daddy.

I believe that there are few things more precious to preserve, and more innocent to defend, than a child’s right to trust. A child longs to trust. A child needs to trust in order to grow up into a healthy adult. Perhaps that’s why it’s so difficult for we, as parents, to teach our children that sometimes there are individuals that can’t be trusted.

My survivor friend trusted. "I was abused by a close relative. He was absolutely trusted. And he took advantage of me. And I went along with it because I didn't know any better. Because I trusted him."

Her parents trusted him. She trusted him. And that trust was broken. Shattered. Destroyed. And she couldn’t tell her parents because she trusted. She trusted that what was happening to her was somehow okay because people you love and trust don’t hurt you. Do they? Can you imagine the confusion she felt? Can you imagine the war that raged within her little mind, within her little heart? I can’t. And when I try, it makes me cry.

But what if her parents had taught her that her body was special and that the parts that her swimsuit covers are extra special? What if they had taught her that no one is allowed to touch the parts that her swimsuit covers, that she is not allowed to touch anyone else where their swimsuit covers, and that if anyone does, she should tell them—no matter whom it was? What if they had taught this information to her from the time she could identify body parts like nose and hand? What if they had taught this to her several times a year and built on this information in age appropriate increments? What if . . .?

We will never know the answers to my "what if" questions. Sexual abuse is a complicated issue, but as a parent, I want to know that, at least, I tried.

Let’s begin the conversation about childhood sexual abuse with our children. So they will know. So they can tell. So they can continue to trust.

Why Children Don’t Tell About Sexual Abuse (Part 3: They Don’t Know)

Rise and Shine Movement 2012

My friend wrote: "I was abused by a close relative. He was absolutely trusted. And he took advantage of me. And I went along with it because I didn't know any better. Because I trusted him."  (http://lightmeetsdarkness.blogspot.com/2010/12/scars-of-abuse.html)

Some children don’t tell because they don’t know they should. When my friend was first violated, she was a preschooler. She did not tell because she did not know. No one had ever taught her that her body was sacred and that certain parts were private and should not be touched by others. But as the abuse continued and my friend matured, she began to feel uncomfortable with his touch. But she kept quiet—for years. And because she loved (Part 1, of Why Kids Don’t Tell), she didn’t tell.

Uninformed children are easy targets for perpetrators and perpetrators are looking for easy targets.


That is why it is an adult’s job to protect children from childhood sexual abuse. We must teach our children from the beginning that their bodies are special and that no one is allowed to touch them in their private areas (except a doctor with permission from their parents).

Teach them so they will know. Teach them so they can tell.