|Used by permission, Photography by Christy Mae, Copyright 2012|
After God began the process of band-aid removal (Part 3), I was forced to see all the ways I had been covering up the pain of childhood sexual abuse. Standing bare, heart exposed I had to face the truth about myself – and God.
Slowly I began to see God’s hand in my story. I saw my hands clenched white-knuckled around a rope, grabbing and pulling with all my might. I was playing tug-of-war with the Creator of the Universe. And it wasn't getting me anything except rope burns.
I wanted to believe God, to trust Him. I longed for a relationship with Him, His offer of unconditional love, and a promise to never leave me. I saw surrender as my only option.
Surrender is hard, especially for a control freak like me, who had grown accustomed to holding on to things. Control offered me a false sense of security, and I finally realized I actually controlled very little.
Self-evaluation can get ugly. But God was patient. He waited until I was ready and graciously revealed what I needed to see, as I needed to see it. Healing didn’t happen overnight. The longer I lived with the lies, the harder it was to break free of them. Frequent re-evaluation became a critical part of my life, as it is now.
In an act of faith, I began giving my fears and insecurities over to God. Healing is a lengthy process—an ongoing process. I have to make daily choices: to trust God when I want to rely on myself, to relinquish my need to know “why” or any desire to change the past, to accept His often, mysterious plan and His promise to find worth in it all.
I have experienced faith-filled healing and continue to do so. But first, I had to let go of the rope.
We believe healing occurs best in community. If you are a survivor and would like to share your story, please email Carolyn or Christy at Tamarsredemption@verizon.net. We will work with you to bring your words to life on our blog. You may share anonymously or use your name. Thank you.