"I was violated at the age of five, ten, and fifteen,"
she said. "At five I was touched inappropriately, at ten my girlfriends
and I were playing at the park and a man exposed himself and masturbated in
front of us, and at fifteen an older boy sexually assaulted me on my way home
from school."
I've known this woman for over twenty-five years. I know her well.
She has lived and does live a joyful life. So I asked, "Why haven't these
events paralyzed you in your adult life?"
"It's how my parents handled each incident that has made all
the difference," she said. "They listened to me, believed me, and
took action every time. I have little memory of the first incident. I know I
told my mother about the inappropriate touch, she took me to the doctor to
make sure I was okay physically, and she and my father protected me from
the perpetrator. They dealt with him.
"I remember the second time well," she continued.
"It was awkward, but my friends and I ran and told my dad, he took
us to the police station immediately. The police caught the
exhibitionist and he went to jail. We found out later that this man was a
wanted on other sexual charges.
"And the third time, I ran home and told my parents. They
took me to the police station and we ended up with a court case. I had to
testify. It was scary, but my parents supported me the entire time. The older
boy was charged and sentenced to prison.
"But do you want to know what happened after that? What's
really amazing?" she asked.
"Sure," I said.
"Being a tiny girl and a racial minority in a large public
high school, I used to avoid the cliques of students standing outside the front
of the high school each morning and slip in a side door to avoid any kind of
taunting or bullying. After I won the court case . . . I used the front
door."
I can't promise you by following the six steps to protecting
your kids, outlined in my previous posts, that your children will not
experience a violation. It happens to one out of four girls and
one out of six boys before their eighteenth birthdays. But what my survivor friends will tell you
is that it's not the sexual act or violation that does the most damage to their
hearts, minds, and souls. It's the isolation. It's the secret. It's the
not being able to tell, or worse, not being believed.
My friend was blessed to have amazing parents who listened to her, believed her,
and took action. She knows this and thanks God for them.
And she has allowed me to share her story with you so your children can
use the front door too.
We can follow all of the steps to protect
our children from sexual violation and still a violation can occur. It happened
to my daughter in high school, and I have been educating her on this issue for
years. But you see, because I built the bridge of communication with my
daughter, regarding sexual abuse, she knew she could cross over the chasm that
abuse creates and run safely into my arms. No secrets had to be kept, no
internal lies that abuse creates had to be believed. She got to hear from her
parents over and over again, “It wasn't your fault.” When we take steps to
educate and protect our kids we have hope. And by teaching our kids about
sexual violations, we have nothing to lose.
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